Some things in life are a surprise and some things are not. I promised i would be truthful in this and would talk about many things. One subject I have been quiet on was my relationship with my father. Now i feel I have to share. I did not have a relationship with my father for over ten years. The last time we went to lunch was after my husband died, it was the holidays. I met up with him and gave him his gift. The whole lunch he talked about my sisters stepson (at the time) and everyting he did with him, and did not acknowledge my children or my brothers children at all. The thing is I knew at that moment that I would not deal with this anymore. You see my father left my mom when I was nine and my brother was five.

I guess.I should thank him for being a father who wasn;t involved in my life. It taught me to work at a young age so I could buy what I needed, as money was tight in our house. I learned about disappointment at a young age and how to deal with it, by having many Sundays waiting for him to pick me up for vistation and he didn’t show up. I learned not to compare myself to others as I would go to his house on holidays where there were presents all under the tree and I got a flannel shirt. The most important thing I learned is, even though you can’t chose your family that doesn’t mean they are your people.

Yes there were times he was there for me like when I owned my restaurant and he came there for dinner a lot. He went with me to plan my husbands funeral. I can’t remember another time he was there though. I remember many times I would call him and ask for ten dollars to go to the movies, and he would tell me he pays child support.

My father passed away this year it did affect me. I thought maybe there was something I could have done to have a relationship with him, but then I remebered, I tried numerous times with no avail. I did go to the funeral and stood at the front. Said my goddbyes and greeted everyone who came through. I didn’t know most people but thats ok, that told me he knew many people. Many had beautiful things to say about him I said thank you. I put my difference aside so I could be that little girl who so desperatly wanted her daddy’s love.

I want you to know that I am not typing this to bash him. I am just sharing my thoughts tonight. It is a somber night as he is on my mind today. I had to forgive him so I can move past this time in my life and it was a great feeling to let go of this. I am moving forward with life and remembering all the things I am because of my experience. Even though at one point I looked for a “daddy” figure in my relationships, now I know I don’t need that.

Tonight i want to thank my dad as I am a strong opininated person, with a great work ethic, I am loyal, responsible, and my friends know I am good to have in their corner. I may not have gained all these qualities if I had a different life.

When my children were little having time for myself was almost non existent, however as they grew I realized how much of my self I have lost. I can blame toxic relationships, work, children, family, however it was me. I didn’t put myself first. True, I did not have a lot of support. I pushed some of my support away, some left as I was no longer in a “partying stage”, some did not like my spouse. and some just fell away. It’s not in the support though it in the amount of time you invest in yourself.

Investing in myself took little things like 10 minutes a day to read, a shower with a locked door so the kids couldn’t come in, sitting in the yard reflecting. This wasn’t enough, by the time my husband had died I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t recognize myself. I was so stressed, overweight , and had no idea how to do most things in life. I knew how to work, come home, go to bed, and spend money. Not a great place to be.

I started losing weight immediately which was great, but I also was making some really bad decisions. Focusing life on fun and not where I should be. That summer I went to so many concerts I don’t even remember how many there was. Ficusing myself on other things not myself.

Today is the eight year anniversary of Gary’s death. In those eight years the last two years has been the most successful for me. I have learned to have quiet time in the morning with meditation, reading scripture, self help and inspirational books, and journaling. I can’t wait until I get older and can go back and read the journals to see how I grow. I alo found a church. I know not everyone who reads this is spiritual or believes, however for me a church family was what I was craving. I have learned to be in the present. Finding yourself is different for everyone and not an overnight process. It really takes a long time time to see what works for you.

It is a joy to me to share what I am doing in life. I can only pray that someone is reading and can resonate with what I am writing. Please let me know in the comments any topics you are interested in.