For many years I was not in touch with my emotions, I was the toughest girl around. You could say anything to me and I didn’t care. I took on the tough attitude and no matter what who cares. This is what tends to happen when you are in an abusive relationship. All day everyday you hear how you are ugly, pathetic, stupid, fat, you don’t know how to treat a man, and that is just some of them. Being in an abusive relationship changes your world you become a liar, and a fake. Even though your friends and relatives know what is going on they can’t help, you complain to them but unless you are ready to go you will never leave.
They control everything about you, your money, what you wear, where you go, they move you away from your family and your friends and make it so you feel like you don’t have anyone.
I was with my husband for fifteen years. I saw the signs in the beginning but I was this twenty something with three kids by two different fathers, struggling every day to make things work. He wanted me and loved me or so I thought. By the time I realized what was going on I was pregnant with his child. He bought me a ring and a house and we were going to be happy. Everything was ok the first couple years. Then all hell started breaking loose, he cheated on me and that was the beginning of it all. The name calling, locking me out of our room, boy did I become good at taking the doorknobs off. He was also my boss and would hardly give me any hours so I could never save enough money to get out. I would spend hours cleaning the house and he would come home and say how disgusting and dirty the house was.
There were plenty of good days to the days we went to dinner, he would surprise me with gifts and vacations, usually the bigger the gift the bigger the thing he was trying to apologize for.
Then he wanted my kids out one at a time he would start with them and I was afraid for them my oldest already was with my ex I sent my next one with my ex when I felt the abuse was getting worse for him. Then he started on my daughter the mental damage that was done to her I had to put her in a facility to get her better.
You say how can a Mother allow this to happen I don’t have an answer all I know is I felt trapped. Every time I had an escape plan something would happen to make it so I was stuck there. The final straw was when I was moving out I had an apartment and everything than the doctor called to tell me he was going on dialysis. I sat on the floor and cried for hours and swore I would never cry again or let him get to me. I had to suck it up and take care of him. I did for two more years whether he was throwing things at me, pushing me around, smacking me upside the head, telling me I was fat and ugly. Yes, I was huge but the mental stress I was under didn’t help. Than my youngest pulled me aside one day and said I know that all of this isn’t your fault it is all him.
That was what it took for me to get my life in gear I made him purchase a house for me as I knew his time was coming to an end. We moved in May, his dialysis started, abused me in some way shape or form every day, I didn’t care I hid my books in the bathroom and escaped for hours everyday.
In August my youngest said if Daddy lives two more weeks I will be surprised. I said your Dad is very sick and when God is ready to take him he will and we will be strong and make it. Exactly two weeks later he went in the hospital for a week, when he was released the whole way home he kept apologizing and telling me he didn’t feel good. He walked in the house and fifteen minutes later he had a major heart attack.
This was the last day of his life and the beginning of my healing and my children’s healing as well. The point of this story is that this was almost three years ago. My children and I have all bonded again, we are in a better place, and my life is moving along. Yes, I am still single as much as I would like to meet someone I don’t know if I can ever give that much of my self away again. I am always going be very careful when I meet someone as I will always have doubts. I am a work in progress and have met many great people who support me now and know that I am a strong and beautiful person.
Thank you for listening to my story