surprises

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Some things in life are a surprise and some things are not. I promised i would be truthful in this and would talk about many things. One subject I have been quiet on was my relationship with my father. Now i feel I have to share. I did not have a relationship with my father for over ten years. The last time we went to lunch was after my husband died, it was the holidays. I met up with him and gave him his gift. The whole lunch he talked about my sisters stepson (at the time) and everyting he did with him, and did not acknowledge my children or my brothers children at all. The thing is I knew at that moment that I would not deal with this anymore. You see my father left my mom when I was nine and my brother was five.

I guess.I should thank him for being a father who wasn;t involved in my life. It taught me to work at a young age so I could buy what I needed, as money was tight in our house. I learned about disappointment at a young age and how to deal with it, by having many Sundays waiting for him to pick me up for vistation and he didn’t show up. I learned not to compare myself to others as I would go to his house on holidays where there were presents all under the tree and I got a flannel shirt. The most important thing I learned is, even though you can’t chose your family that doesn’t mean they are your people.

Yes there were times he was there for me like when I owned my restaurant and he came there for dinner a lot. He went with me to plan my husbands funeral. I can’t remember another time he was there though. I remember many times I would call him and ask for ten dollars to go to the movies, and he would tell me he pays child support.

My father passed away this year it did affect me. I thought maybe there was something I could have done to have a relationship with him, but then I remebered, I tried numerous times with no avail. I did go to the funeral and stood at the front. Said my goddbyes and greeted everyone who came through. I didn’t know most people but thats ok, that told me he knew many people. Many had beautiful things to say about him I said thank you. I put my difference aside so I could be that little girl who so desperatly wanted her daddy’s love.

I want you to know that I am not typing this to bash him. I am just sharing my thoughts tonight. It is a somber night as he is on my mind today. I had to forgive him so I can move past this time in my life and it was a great feeling to let go of this. I am moving forward with life and remembering all the things I am because of my experience. Even though at one point I looked for a “daddy” figure in my relationships, now I know I don’t need that.

Tonight i want to thank my dad as I am a strong opininated person, with a great work ethic, I am loyal, responsible, and my friends know I am good to have in their corner. I may not have gained all these qualities if I had a different life.

Taking time for yourself

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When my children were little having time for myself was almost non existent, however as they grew I realized how much of my self I have lost. I can blame toxic relationships, work, children, family, however it was me. I didn’t put myself first. True, I did not have a lot of support. I pushed some of my support away, some left as I was no longer in a “partying stage”, some did not like my spouse. and some just fell away. It’s not in the support though it in the amount of time you invest in yourself.

Investing in myself took little things like 10 minutes a day to read, a shower with a locked door so the kids couldn’t come in, sitting in the yard reflecting. This wasn’t enough, by the time my husband had died I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t recognize myself. I was so stressed, overweight , and had no idea how to do most things in life. I knew how to work, come home, go to bed, and spend money. Not a great place to be.

I started losing weight immediately which was great, but I also was making some really bad decisions. Focusing life on fun and not where I should be. That summer I went to so many concerts I don’t even remember how many there was. Ficusing myself on other things not myself.

Today is the eight year anniversary of Gary’s death. In those eight years the last two years has been the most successful for me. I have learned to have quiet time in the morning with meditation, reading scripture, self help and inspirational books, and journaling. I can’t wait until I get older and can go back and read the journals to see how I grow. I alo found a church. I know not everyone who reads this is spiritual or believes, however for me a church family was what I was craving. I have learned to be in the present. Finding yourself is different for everyone and not an overnight process. It really takes a long time time to see what works for you.

It is a joy to me to share what I am doing in life. I can only pray that someone is reading and can resonate with what I am writing. Please let me know in the comments any topics you are interested in.

Photo by Fiona Art on Pexels.com

Inner Child

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Where is your inner child? is it fully accessed, semi accessed , or blocked? How do you unblock it?

What does it feel like to play a game, dance around your kitchen, skip instead of walking? That is your inner child coming out. How many days a week do you see that inner child? It’s not easy to pull on that inner child with the stress of working, cleaning, and life in general. Learning to use my inner child helos me with all of the other stuff. Instead of looking at as cleaning I may dance while vacumming, dusting, mopping or whatever I am cleaning. It takes the blah out of it, especially if you don’t like to clean. How about instead of walking around the block you skip around the block. Sitting at your desk at work put in your headphones and listen to a silly podcast.

Finding my inner child is a work in progress. I have a lot to get through to find her. Everyday is easier and easier. It comes from forgiving the past. For me I had to release many blocks to even remeber my past. It really makes my head hurt, but the work is worth it. TO feel the freedom you feel as a child walking down the street in the rain and jumping in a puddle, or dancing around like no one sees you. Try to remember these feelings. It takes a lot to get there, meditating, working on your spirituality, as well as other things.

Lets discuss in the comments how you use your inner child!!!

Self Preservation

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When you have something old you preserve it right, soi why do we not preserve ourselves. Once we hit adulthood life takes over. For me it was being married, working, having kids, buying house, and so on and so on. THe babies get older you go from doctor appointments and playdates to school activities, sports, and whatever else the kids have planned for you to do. In my case my husband was demanding and wanted every minute of my time. In your case it may be something or some one different. I stopped going to church, reading for fun, and doing many other things I loved to do.

Some people are lucky and have support to help with their everyday life, but what about the rest of us. We tend to lose a little bit of us at a time. How do we find that person we were? I am still working on it, but this weekend i realized it was fun to be soaking wet outside, dancing in the rain at a concert. I alos learned it’s not that hard to forgive your past and to not hold on. I know that I am in a great marriage now with someone who treats me well and things can change for me and anyone, if you make the effort.

My effort is making sure I have my own quiet time every morning to read, do my morning devotions, pray, meditate, and exercise. I also knew i needed help so i have a counselor twice a month, I recieve reiki, and go to church. FOr me this works. YOu may need to do something else. FInd your niche and take the time to do what you need for yourself. If their is one thing I learned its I needed to feed myself as I was drained. Just liked those old candleabras, the outside of your house, or anything else that may need to be preserved.

Knocked down

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Yes in life we often get knocked down, that is where I have been…

As much as I wanted to live life my body told me to slow down. I was sick not with COVID but with a bug that was diagnosed as they didnt know what it was. I am still tired and they Couldnt give me medication as my body does not metabolize things correctly. I just worked, rested, and let it run its course. Not fun, however I am back and am still working on bettering myself. In the past few months I have found meditation has been a great thing for me. Not feeling well made it hard to concentrate on meditating so i did the best I could in the moment. I also realized dancing in the rain is fun.

One of the things I am going to do going forward is remember to live life in a fun way. Dance when I want to, play in the rain, and think of other things I did as a child. This will be a great way for me to relieve some stress. I am also going to live in the present and be forgiving of the past.

Tell me what are you doing to relieve stress and bring some happiness in your life??

Self Care Sunday

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How do you self care ???

Many people use Sunday as a self care day, however I use whatever day I need for self care. Sometimes for me self care is just stepping out of my busy life and read a book. It could be a trip to the shore, putting a mask on my face and hair, staying in my pajamas in bed all day, or just sitting still and reflecting.

Self care is very important for mental health. I know for me I try to take thirty minutes a day to reset myself, this is an important part of my day. I may meditate, exercise, or spend time praying. A half hour balances my day and my mood. It’s something I never thought I would be able to do years ago. My stress level was so high, all I did was scream at my kids, and anyone I was with it was horrible. Now I am much calmer and can see things clearer.

(this picture is from a recent retreat I was on )

Finding Myself

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How do you find yourself? When you become married, have children, or make other changes, you change. Sometimes you even lose the person you were. This is what happenedto me. When I was younger I would do so many things by myself, I wasn’t always looking over my shoulder. After my husband passed I only did things if someone went with me. I had to relearn how to budget and even write a check. Scary times for me, while I was working, and just starting college.

Guess what!! I was capable of doing all this and so much more. I had to make mistakes on my own and learn from them. Something I still do. Looking back at those times I realized I had the strength in me to move on, just not the confidence. The picture I a sharing is me around age 9 that was confidence for me. I am working on finding my inner child to have that confidence again!!

Confidence is still a struggle I have but everyday it gets better and better. It took years to learn to love myself and dsily reminders. One of the things I did was before I went to bed I would write on my bathroom mirror. I am beautiful, I can do this, and other notes like this. After I showered they would wash away. I would rewrite them. Sounds like a lot of work right??? It wasn’t it was the beginning of reminding myself of what I am. Loving myself took a lot but I learned to do it< and so can you.. Comment on things you do to build yourself up.

Changes

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In life sometimes you have to look and see where you are and what the past has taught you. In the last year I have really been working on myself and want to share.

When I first started this blog it was with the intention. of sharing my life as well as the books I was reading. It became just books, as I wasn’t ready to share a lot of things. Now that I am older I see that things that I went through and what I have been doing can empower others in many ways. Which was my goal in starting this! I listened to the naysayers, the doubters, and the people who wouldnt want my story out there. Now it is time to tell it.

I was not an insecure person I was a strong willed person that got sucked into a relationship where I was verbally and physically abused for years. It was embarrassing and I felt stuck. I know many people who were able to get out of situations like this. I felt they would look down at me for staying. I lost many friends, and myself. I told myself he provides a roof over my head, he apolgized, we went on vacation, the kids and I have all the new things. and the best excuse was I can’t provide for myself and my kids.

Did I have a beautiful house? Yes I did. Did my family and “friends” come over for dinners and parties all the time? Yes they did, until they didn’t. When we lost our beautiful house and had bought a business, I thought things would change. They never change. I would pray to God to help me get out of this mess and I was still there for years. I felt hopeless.

The thing is when I was finally able to leave he was sick. I couldn’t leave I knew he needed me. I asked God , why does this keep happening to me. No matter how many things he called me, threw at me, or even pushed me around, I had to take care of him.

I have to say even though I stayed and it wasn’t healthy for my children or me, I learned alot. After he passed I learned I can handle bills on my own, how to budget to still live life, and am still learning to love myself.

I also have a supportive tribe now of people who guide me and listen when I talk. This is important when learning to love yourself. I am going to be using this blog to empower others, by giving tips on ways to love yourself. Please share anything you would like. I am not a counselor orin the medical field. I am a woman who is empowered by the grace of God.

Bad Dad by Sloane Howell

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BadDad.EbookCover

Synopsis

My son is my life. Nothing on earth matters but him.
Soon, I’ll have to send him out into society. The cruel machine that gnashes innocence and spits out the hollowed remains of a child’s imagination. It’s a place I know all too well, considering my past. I’ve worked hard to separate myself from it, but it looms in the back of my mind—waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
My son, Logan, wants to have birthday parties, make friends, play at the park—all the normal things that seven-year olds want to do. All the things I want to do with him.
I’ve put up walls around our life to shield us from danger. Giant barriers to ward off possible threats.
Cora Chapman crashes through them like a wrecking ball. She’s intelligent and hilarious with soft curves and a spark that ignites a flame deep inside of me.
There’s only one problem—she’s Logan’s teacher.
When my past wraps its tentacles around my throat and threatens to strangle the breath from my lungs, I’m given an option—fight for my family’s freedom, or die as they’re stripped away from me.
I can’t lose. I won’t lose.
My name is Landon Lane and I am a warrior.

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Goodreads

My Review     The only thing bad about this dad is his past that is following him. He has a great team surrounding him and his son and that is all that matters. He will do anything to keep his son safe and when trouble finds them he will fight to the finish.

‘Unexpected in all the right ways, Howell brings an incredibly unique voice in his latest romance. Loaded with undeniable chemistry, a hint of suspense, some pulse-racing action, and a whole lot of heat, the unpredictable and completely engaging Bad Dad is a book you don’t want to miss.” – NYT

 

About the author

Sloane Howell lives in the Midwest United States and writes dirty stories. When not reading or writing he enjoys hanging out with his family, watching sports, playing with the dogs, traveling, and engaging his readers on social media. You can almost always catch him on Twitter posting something goofy.

 

Visit his web page http://www.sloanehowell.com to sign up for his mailing list to get updates on new releases, promos, and giveaways. Thanks for reading.

 

Author Links

Twitter  Facebook  Web  Goodreads  Amazon page  Instagram

 

Solace by S.L. Scott

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                                                     Title: Solace

                                                     Author: S.L. Scott

                                                    Genre: Contemporary Romance

                                                    Release Date: September 22, 2017

                                                    Goodreads: http://bit.ly/SolaceGR

 

Synopsis He puts the Bad in bad boy.

She puts the Sweet in sweetheart.

When a hired gun burns out from the life he’s been living, he returns to the small country town where rumors run rampant and everyone goes to church on Sunday.

With sins and secrets trailing Jason Koster home, he is searching for redemption in hopes of living a life less complicated. He didn’t expect to find the only girl he ever loved now a recently single woman running her family farm.

Delilah Noelle never needed much, but she wanted Jason Koster—one time love of her life. When misunderstandings tear the former beauty queen and quarterback apart, can a second chance heal their broken hearts?

Will the years and circumstances that have passed be too much to bridge the distance to a future together?

Solace is a heartwarming small town romance with plenty of action and swoons that will have this hometown hero vying for the affections of his high school sweetheart.

My review:

Again S.L. pulls you into a story that pulls you in many different directions.
Jason has had enough of the life he is living so he goes back to his hometown expecting to help his Mom. When he finds out the girl who got away is single his plans change.
Delilah is finally making her way again hoping to keep her ex away. Her life is not what she thought it would be but she learned from her mistakes.
With Jason back and Delilah single together they have to learn how to move on from the past to make it now.

** I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review**